Therapist's Advice on How to Talk About Intimacy & Build a Stronger Bond

Intimacy is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but navigating conversations about intimacy can feel tricky.  Whether you're looking to reignite the spark, explore new desires, or address concerns, open and honest communication is key.  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Tamara Thompson, LMFT, offers valuable advice on approaching these often-sensitive topics with your partner.  Let's dive into her insights on how to talk about intimacy in a way that fosters connection and strengthens your bond.

Discussing intimacy can be an uncomfortable topic for many couples. Effective communication skills are vital in all relationships, they are especially needed when discussing more challenging or sensitive topics such as intimacy. "In order for couples to be able to share openly and vulnerably, they need to create a safe space for one another." Tamara urges. Communicating effectively, with warmth and compassion provides an opportunity to create more intimacy. An important note to make when discussing intimacy with your partner, is that this is a person that you care deeply about, you want to ensure that you are entering into the conversation reminding yourself that the goal is to lean in and become closer. To go deeper to build a stronger connection. According to Tamara, some of the key important communication techniques are:

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* Validation

You want to be sure that each partner enters the conversation ready to hold space for one another. Validating your partners feelings is essential. When your partner shares, listening to how they feel is key. You are validating their emotions, not the content. Validating emotions allows you to be able to hold space for your partner and have compassion for their emotions, regardless of whether you agree with the content or not. Feeling understood, is feeling seen, and when partners truly feel seen, they feel safe. When you validate your partner, they will be more inclined to validate you. An example of validation is: “I was not aware that when initiate sexual intimacy, when we have not connected emotionally in the day it makes you feel that it is more about sex than my desire to connect with you emotionally. I am sorry that brings up feelings of disconnect and hurt, that is never my intention, I love you.”

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* Active Listening

Being completely attentive and engaging is vital to ensuring that your partner experiences you as fully immersed in the conversation. Active listening requires listening to understand while simultaneously being observant of non-verbal communication, such a body language. Your presence and body language matter. Studies have shown that 55% - 90% of communication is non-verbal, therefore it is something that you want to be aware of. Ensure your body language and gestures show that you are, 1) keep your posture open and do not cross your arms 2) keep eye contact which enables you to display empathy, compassion, respect, and interest 3) nod when appropriate and at key points 4) Lean forward/towards them. You want to be able to give feedback that lets your partner know that you are completely interested and engaged. Being able to address not only what they are sharing but also how you are experiencing them by their gestures and tone, can create a feeling of closeness.

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* Self-regulation/managing one’s own emotions

In order for your partner to trust that it is safe to share, they need to be able to trust that you are able to manage your own emotions. This looks like, not being reactive (yelling, interrupting, becoming defensive, or giving unsolicited advice etc.). If your partner is fearful that their words may negatively impact you, they will probably avoid discussing topics that may lead to hurt feelings or conflict. Remember, when your partner is sharing you want to be able to hold space for them, sit with their perspective, and provide empathy around what they are sharing.

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* Listen to understand without judgment

Reminding yourself before going into the conversation that you are listening to understand. The goal is to create a safe space for your partner to share and to be able to hear them without letting your own “stuff” get in the way. You are not entering into the conversation to judge, shame, or blame your partner. You are entering the conversation to understand what your partners relationship with intimacy is.

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* Practice patience/Pacing

Ensuring space is held when each of you is sharing is important. Giving yourselves enough time to discuss intimacy matters. If you or your partner feels rushed, you may not share as fully and it may not feel as safe. Do not rush into asking question s, allow your partner to share at their own pace and continue to reassure them verbally and with nonverbal communication that there is no rush and that you are fully present.

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* Ask open-ended questions (when appropriate)

At times being asked questions after a vulnerable share, is uncomfortable. If you do ask questions try to stay away from one’s that may be invasive. Answering questions regarding a traumatic experience may be challenging for someone who is not used to discussing the topic. Oftentimes, I encourage clients to simply listen and not to ask questions. However, if you feel the urge, and believe it may support the conversation based on the flow of the interaction, I would encourage asking with care and intention. Perhaps a question like, “how do you feel about that now?” or “are you okay?” of “how did that feel to share.”

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* Express gratitude

Be sure to thank you partner for trusting you enough to share. Thank them for caring about the relationship enough to talk about intimacy. Remind them that you are in it together and that you are grateful that they are your teammate.

How to navigate and address differing levels of comfort or desire when it comes to intimacy.

Couples have to first determine how they each define intimacy. Building/creating intimacy is unique to the individual and the couple. Sometimes there is a partner that shares that listening to music and creating a playlist together is a form of intimacy they appreciate. Another partner may enjoy laying on the couch together and watching a show. Yet another person may feel like discussing the news is how they feel most connected. Questions like, “How do you define intimacy?” “What are the ways that you appreciate building/creating intimacy?” “How are you experiencing emotional intimacy in our relationship?” “How are you experiencing physical intimacy in our relationship? “How do you feel about our relationship when we are not physically intimate?” “How do you feel about our relationship when we are not emotionally intimate?” Two questions I ask every couple I work with are: “What is your favorite form of intimacy (physical or emotional)?” and “What is your ideal amount of intimacy in your romantic relationship?” Delving deeper into those two questions allows for the couple to discover enough information to talk through and address, what intimacy goals they have that are similar and their differing levels of comfort and desire.

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When working with couples I determine which is their preferred form of intimacy, emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. While many say both are important to them, and they certainly are both important. Oftentimes one or both partners may feel more connected after receiving intimacy in their preferred form. In other words, one may feel more connected after engaging in sex, and the other partner may feel more connected after a deep conversation. It is extremely important to understand what fills your intimacy cup. Once you have this understanding, you can take steps to ensure you are both being proactive around doing things that make you both feel connected. Open and honest dialogue is key. The exploration of ways to be intimate that each partner appreciates will support ensuring that both partners are getting their needs addressed. The needs of the partner have to be as important as their own needs. They may have differing perspectives, and that is okay, as long as they are open to understanding and validating one another. Focused on approaching the conversation from a place of love and non-judgment. Even if they do not ever see eye to eye, they more than likely will come to a middle ground, and even if they do not get to a place where they are both satisfied, they will have a greater understanding of that and can determine next steps.

Emotional intimacy and how to strengthen your emotional connection to improve you physical relationship.

Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are both important in creating a healthy romantic relationship. Emotional intimacy in your couple dynamic is foundational for a long lasting, romantic relationship as it plays a key role in physical intimacy. They are both essential and work in tandem with one another. Ensuring you and your partner have a strong emotional bond will make physical and sexual intimacy more satisfying and connecting. Couples who engage in sexual intimacy while struggling with emotional intimacy will often share that they feel disconnected. Ways in which you can build emotional intimacy:

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* Spend intentional time with one another

I have my clients create, “sacred time” which means, time allocated for talking, dates, etc. It is a set time(s) every week where they have an opportunity to connect and have organic conversations without distractions. Time together is key at building an emotional bond.

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* Sharing dreams and stories with one another

Some couples struggle with topics to bring up. I encourage clients to come to their shared time with at least one thing they would like to share and one question they would like to ask in order to get deeper with their partner. Questions such as, “what are you most excited about these days?” or “when you were a kid, what was your favorite thing to do and why?” Another fun activity that supports deeper conversations are card/question games such as, {The And} and Esther Perel’s card game, “Where Should We Begin.”

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* Try a new activity together

Something that allows you to step out of your comfort zone together, in order to experience yourself, your partner, and your relationship differently.
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* Laugh

Sometimes couples get so caught up in the day to day and the stressors of life that they forget about their friendship. Getting back to the friendship and playfulness goes a long way. You can watch a funny movie or comedy show to help start you off if it has been some time since you have been able to let yourself be playful. Being able to be silly with your partner reminds you that the relationship can be light and fun!

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‍* Speak their love language

I assign the 5 love languages to all couples I work with. It supports couples with understanding what their primary love languages are and then explore the ways in which they enjoy receiving and displaying affection. This tool goes a long way. When individuals are getting their love cup filled by their partner, it usually leads to a feeling of safety and closeness, and that in turn usually leads to more intimate moments.

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* Respect Autonomy  

While we are talking about creating closeness, it is also important to remember that your partner is an independent and autonomous being. You want to ensure that you are respecting one another’s boundaries which in turn will create a deeper level of trust.

How to approach conversations about past experiences or traumas related to intimacy that fosters support and healing.

Understanding one another’s history with intimacy will allow for a deeper understanding around how they are showing up today. What did they see growing up? Were there any early childhood traumatic experiences that may be affecting intimacy? When planning for a conversation about a traumatic experience, you want to ensure that you are setting a safe space. Being intentional around where you have the discussion, and how you will engage in the discussion will help In order to create a space that fosters support and healing.

"When approaching a conversation about trauma with your partner, preparation is key," says Tamara. "Pick a calm day and time, allowing yourselves ample space to talk freely. Consider writing down what you want to convey beforehand, especially if expressing yourself verbally feels difficult. Actively listen and focus on validating your partner's experience.  Hold space for them by offering your presence and support, and ask if physical touch, like holding hands, feels comforting. Thank them for their openness and vulnerability. Take turns sharing, ensuring each person has a chance to fully express themselves and receive understanding. If you both have trauma histories, consider seeking professional guidance from a licensed marriage and family therapist. Therapists can provide a safe space for each partner to process their experiences without triggering one another. Finally, choose a time that allows for a smooth transition after the conversation. Plan a relaxing activity together, such as a walk or a meal, to create a sense of normalcy and closeness after this potentially intense emotional exchange."

Discussing traumatic events that are impacting intimacy can be challenging for couples to do on their own. I strongly encourage individuals and couples that are struggling with healing, feeling supported, and feeling safe, to schedule an appointment with a relationship therapist to provide them with tools and a safe space to share, process, and acquire tools. When relationships are rooted in and fueled by love, there is nothing they can not overcome. Staying hopeful, open, and navigating from a place of love will get you there.